Why Being Yelled at by a Boss Feels Like Childhood All Over Again
Maybe it happened during a meeting. Maybe your boss raised their voice, questioned your work, or gave you that look. Or maybe it was an email that sounded short.
Your chest tightens, your throat closes up, and your brain goes completely blank. Later, you replay it over and over again, wondering, “Why did I freeze? Why do I feel so small?”
If you’ve ever felt like a child again after being yelled at or criticized at work, you’re not alone.
And you’re not overreacting - you’re remembering.
Why It Feels Bigger Than It “Should”
When someone in a position of authority - such as a boss - raises their voice or sounds critical, it can activate old, deep patterns of fear and powerlessness. Your logical mind might know you’re at work, but your body may be responding to something much older.
Authority Triggers Powerlessness
If you grew up in a household where adults were unpredictable, highly critical, emotionally unavailable, or controlling, you may have learned to survive by staying quiet, pleasing others, and avoiding confrontation.
In those environments, being yelled at meant fear, shame, or danger.
So when your boss snaps at you, it’s not surprising if your body responds as if you're still that younger version of yourself - unsafe, helpless, and on edge.
It’s Not Just Feedback - It’s a Flashback
These aren’t “overreactions.” They’re emotional flashbacks - intense feelings from the past that get reactivated by present-day situations. And they’re more common than we think, especially in high-stress workplaces.
The Cultural Layer: Why It Hits Especially Hard for Immigrants
In many immigrant households, authority is not meant to be challenged. After all, you should “respect your elders” and be “grateful for the sacrifices” the adults in your family made for you. You’re taught to stay quiet, work hard, and not “cause trouble.” You may have internalized messages like:
“Don’t you dare talk back.”
“Do you not feel shame?”
“Be grateful you even have this opportunity.”
These lessons, often rooted in cultural values and survival, can make workplace conflict feel dangerous, even when it’s not.
And for years to come, many children of immigrants feel intense shame or fear when corrected or receiving feedback.
Common Reactions - And Why They’re Normal
If you’ve ever:
Frozen or mentally checked out
Felt like crying during or after
Gone blank and couldn’t defend yourself
Spent hours (or days) obsessing over what happened
Blamed yourself for not speaking up
…you’re experiencing a nervous system response, not a character flaw.
Your body is simply trying to protect you the best way it knows how. In childhood, freezing, staying quiet, or fawning may have helped you get through the terror - becoming your way of survival.
What You Can Do to Ground and Recover
You can’t always control how others behave (especially when they are in a position of power).
But you can learn how to stay with yourself - even when you’re triggered.
In the Moment:
Feel your feet on the ground.
Name 3 things you see to anchor in the present.
Breathe: Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat.
Remind yourself: “This is uncomfortable, not dangerous. I’m safe now.”
After the Fact:
Let yourself feel what you feel. Shame, anger, sadness - it’s all valid.
Try a somatic release: walk, shake it off, cry, stretch, vocalize.
Reflect: “What age did I feel in that moment?”
Reconnect to your adult self: “I have choices now. I am no longer powerless.”
Talk to your manager or HR team if you can. If not, consider looking for another position or company
Long-Term Healing:
Identify patterns: What types of dynamics trigger this reaction?
Learn your nervous system cues (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)
Practice boundaries and self-advocacy in low-stakes environments first
Seek therapy or trauma-informed coaching to build capacity, self-trust, and resilience
We live in a world that tells us to keep it together, not take things personally, and “just be professional.” But being human at work isn’t unprofessional. It’s reality.
You can be deeply attuned and strong.
You can have boundaries and compassion.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve to Feel Safe at Work
Your reaction makes sense. But you don’t have to carry the fear of your childhood into every meeting, performance review, or tough conversation. You’re allowed to grow past survival.
You’re allowed to expect respect.
You’re allowed to protect your peace.
