Why Your Doctor’s Lack of Empathy Might Actually Be a Good Thing
As someone born with a brain malformation, who had neurosurgery in high school, and who now lives with chronic pain every day, I’ve seen more medical professionals than I can count: neurosurgeons, ophthalmologists, nurses, psychiatrists, physical therapists, and more. And sure, I would love it if they all had warm bedside manners, deep compassion, and grief support training.
But over time, I’ve come to the realization that maybe it’s not such a bad thing that not every doctor or nurse is emotionally supportive.
That’s not an excuse for dismissive or harmful behavior - but it is a reality check. Doctors, nurses, and specialists are humans - just like us. And to expect medical professionals to take care of you emotionally may be taking away from the skills and jobs they were trained for. It’s been suggested that surgeons, for example, score higher on the sociopathy and psychopathy scales. After all, it’s important for surgeons to be able to make high-pressure decisions, have a high tolerance for stressful situations, and be able to compartmentalize emotions.
Why We Expect Too Much from Medical Professionals
We often expect medical providers to be:
Highly skilled in their clinical specialty
Compassionate and emotionally attuned
Great communicators
Comfortable talking about death, pain, grief, or mental health
But let’s be honest: that’s a lot to ask of one person.
Just like you wouldn’t go to an orthopedic surgeon and expect them to also be your therapist, personal trainer, and nutritionist, it may not be fair - or even helpful -to expect every medical provider to meet all your emotional and physical needs in one go.
The Power of Specialization
Maybe the nurse who fumbled through an awkward interaction after your loss is the same one who is great at catching early signs of infection where others often miss. Maybe the doctor who seems emotionally unavailable is the one who’s exceptionally skilled at diagnosing complex conditions that others overlook.
When we expect every provider to offer both precision and presence, we risk missing out on the focused expertise that can save lives - or significantly improve quality of life.
It’s Not That You’re “Too Much”
It’s that you are a human with complexity - and complexity deserves a nuanced approach.
If you've ever felt frustrated or unseen in a healthcare setting, I am with you. It’s incredibly exhausting to be vulnerable and feel emotionally unsupported by someone who’s supposed to help. But here’s a truth:
That frustration doesn’t mean something is wrong with you - or even wrong with them - but rather a sign of a broken system.
And to expect one person to carry the weight of your entire experience in a broken system is exhausting for everyone involved.
What You Actually Need: A Care Team, Not a Care Hero
Rather than expecting one doctor, nurse, or therapist to do it all, consider building a care team made up of people who each excel in their lane:
A medical doctor who’s exceptional at diagnostics and treatment planning
A mental health practitioner who can hold emotional complexity and grief
A movement or body specialist who understands chronic pain or trauma-informed care
A coach, doula, or guide to help integrate it all
Each member of your team can support a different part of your healing - and together, they can offer the kind of whole-person care that no single individual realistically can.
Does the System Need to Change? Absolutely.
The healthcare system absolutely needs more integration, more trauma-informed care, and better communication across disciplines. But expecting every individual provider to meet all your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs? That’s unrealistic - and unfair to everyone involved, especially you.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Asking for Too Much - You’re Asking One Person for Too Much
The next time you find yourself frustrated that your doctor lacks empathy or your nurse didn’t know how to respond to your emotions, take a step back. Ask yourself:
What do I actually need right now?
Who is best equipped to meet that need?
And then start building your team with intention.
Because you don’t need one perfect person.
You need the right people doing what they’re meant to do.
So let’s talk about what kind of support would best serve your needs right now.
Reach out here for a free 20-min consultation.
